Random

Honey bunches of oats

Why doesn’t she like goats.

Oh well

If I were a kangaroo

Id live in a giant shoe

Indeed

When I walk down the street at night

I see the frogs in the ditches take flight

How odd

I like being out side in the black

Makes me feel like light is planning an attack

Waiting

The light always scatters dark

But dark is always in the park

Dark is forever

When light is no more

Dark will come back in scores

piece of mind

Heres an old post. I'm going to start posting all these old blogs that I, for one reason or another haven't posted yet. In order to clear my mind I'm going to try and write more. WOOOOO!

I come here to work, but my mind wanders. Like a dog that i brought to a park my mind runs from one end to the other sniffing everything in its path. My mind can never be completely at rest, always looking at angles, scenarios, possible paths and opportunities that pass in the night. Peace of mind is nearly unattainable for those of us who are constantly maneuvering to get a better hold on what ever it is that keeps us on this earth. The only constant is change, so in ways, not only am i not trying to resist change, i am all to welcoming of it. Never happy with the status quo. That gets to be old, having no routine, but like the cycle of change i am stuck in its grasp. I do long for the day where my mind, body and soul, feel at home.

my own worst enemy.

It hit me like a brick. Today I realized that I had lost a battle that I had been fighting all my life. A war with the world. People say the world is a cruel place, but I chose not to believe them. I have been trying my whole life to figure out how to live life and how to be a good kind just person. In my ignorance I thought that good and bad was measured by what people think of you and how many people like you vs how many people cant stand you. Other people guided MY sense of right and wrong. When I took a good hard look at my self I realized that I had no self, no back bone, no position on anything. I was a leaf on a stream, flowing along creating no resistance. I put on my sheep's wool and blended right in with the flock. Fuck that. This is my life, I have one chance to live it, and I will live it on my own terms treating people how I want to treat them. I will not feel how others do, I will not live like others, I will not love like others. I will feel, live, love like me, like I want to. Why would I compromise my self, when its the one thing in this world I can control.

The battle that I mentioned preciously...

People are not always good. Even good people. People have the capacity to care as little or as much as the want about other people, themselves, truth, honesty, all things. I find that I am surrounded by a mix of people, but honestly, most of them are not who/what I want to be. They do things that I find horrid. Someone told me, just as I was starting to get heavy into music, to not wind up like these people, be humble, never forget where you came from, and be kind. Those words still ring in my head today, but sometimes they get drown out by the noise of others. I knew upon going into music, I would meet people who are going to be self-centered, lying, cut throught people. Not all of these people mean to do wrong, a lot of them (like me) get drawn into to flow of the river. There came a point, and im not even sure when it was where i just let go of it all. I was my own person once, I was, but some where along the line I let my self drift. Honestly I don't know how long I have been drifting, but I do know that I vaguely remember what it was like to be ME, my own person. The longer I went with the flow of people the more I lost track of that feeling, that feeling of ME. I would think some times about how my life wasn't what I wanted it to be and yet I had no idea how to fix it.

Today a great friend, showed me what I had become. It wasn't a good thing, it wasn't ME. That talk started a chain reaction in me that began to make me see where I was and where I wanted to be. I at last have a solution to my problem, a way to make me feel whole. I had realized I had lost the battle and that I had become just like everyone else. I was caught in the machine of, gossip, lying, cowardice, and hurt...The very things I vowed never to become.

So here I stand (or sit rather) with the rest of my college carrier and life ahead of me. I will go ahead, In my own shoes on my own path. I will stand up for my self, I will have my own sense of truth, of right and wrong......I will be ME, nothing more, nothing less.

So haven't blogged in a while. My life really hasn't been too interesting really. Some times my mind works fantastically and contemplates life questions and complex problems when I'm not actively thinking about them. Recently my mind has been thinking a lot about life and how its really not black and white. Sometimes its the furthest from. No one person will face the exact same situations and have the exact same parameters for there life. No decision is "right", no decision is "wrong" its just a choice. I suppose there can be bad choices, but then again who are we to judge other peoples decisions, and if we judge our own decisions, who are we to say that we made a "bad" decision? We just made a change in our life, or sometimes you chose not to change, but ironically that is still a choice. But we all know this, it's the way of life. I guess I'm just afraid of change, afraid of commitment. I'm so afraid that i will screw my life up with a "bad" decision I make. I will avoid decisions like i would avoid touching a frayed extension chord. It just might hurt me to touch that chord, to make that choice, that thought looms in the back of my head as i contemplate any big decision. A lot of times I don't think twice about a decision. Those are my favorite decisions. But I digress. Life is not black and white, its as gray as it can get. Its almost as gray as happiness. Sometimes I feel like I don't know what happiness should feel like. I question my station all the time in life. Is this where I should be? Is this what I deserve to get? Is this whats supposed to happen? Is this who I'm supposed to be with?.. Well what does it matter, since I'm there anyway. Its where I am and i got me there, no one else. I can just as easily get my self out of it too. Its all in my hands. Is my choice predestined, or is it completely random? Maybe fate, but can you argue with fate? Can you change it? If so, then they better change the definition. So here I am, waging a constant war in my mind, constantly bantering back and forth with my self. Looking around wondering if that's where I should be? If thats what i deserve to get? Is that whats supposed to happen? Is that who I'm supposed to be with? I just want those questions to be answered. I want to KNOW, that this is right. I want to stop looking (which when your ADD its a lot harder than it sounds). Is that satisfaction? To be satisfied? the absence of that constant questing? Sounds like a good place to me. Maybe that's what I'll call it....When I get there.......