So haven't blogged in a while. My life really hasn't been too interesting really. Some times my mind works fantastically and contemplates life questions and complex problems when I'm not actively thinking about them. Recently my mind has been thinking a lot about life and how its really not black and white. Sometimes its the furthest from. No one person will face the exact same situations and have the exact same parameters for there life. No decision is "right", no decision is "wrong" its just a choice. I suppose there can be bad choices, but then again who are we to judge other peoples decisions, and if we judge our own decisions, who are we to say that we made a "bad" decision? We just made a change in our life, or sometimes you chose not to change, but ironically that is still a choice. But we all know this, it's the way of life. I guess I'm just afraid of change, afraid of commitment. I'm so afraid that i will screw my life up with a "bad" decision I make. I will avoid decisions like i would avoid touching a frayed extension chord. It just might hurt me to touch that chord, to make that choice, that thought looms in the back of my head as i contemplate any big decision. A lot of times I don't think twice about a decision. Those are my favorite decisions. But I digress. Life is not black and white, its as gray as it can get. Its almost as gray as happiness. Sometimes I feel like I don't know what happiness should feel like. I question my station all the time in life. Is this where I should be? Is this what I deserve to get? Is this whats supposed to happen? Is this who I'm supposed to be with?.. Well what does it matter, since I'm there anyway. Its where I am and i got me there, no one else. I can just as easily get my self out of it too. Its all in my hands. Is my choice predestined, or is it completely random? Maybe fate, but can you argue with fate? Can you change it? If so, then they better change the definition. So here I am, waging a constant war in my mind, constantly bantering back and forth with my self. Looking around wondering if that's where I should be? If thats what i deserve to get? Is that whats supposed to happen? Is that who I'm supposed to be with? I just want those questions to be answered. I want to KNOW, that this is right. I want to stop looking (which when your ADD its a lot harder than it sounds). Is that satisfaction? To be satisfied? the absence of that constant questing? Sounds like a good place to me. Maybe that's what I'll call it....When I get there.......